Friday, August 10, 2012

Hind sight being 20/20..

So things are plodding along as usual at the Happy Waffle..meaning of course that work is tedious and sucks LOL. When things get lame and we're busy I usually turn on my mental radio. Today for some reason I wasn't getting much of a signal and my brain went in another direction entirely. A couple days ago someone asked me out of the blue "When did you first realize you were a lesbian?" It got me thinking and looking back on my childhood and younger years. All the signs were there and now, to me, totally obvious.
 I played Barbies with my little sister ONLY if I could be Ken. If he was missing (under the bed or in the back of the closet) I would be the blonde barbie who invariably got into some trouble like almost drowning and then had to be rescued by the brunette barbie, which involved CPR or conserving body heat if it happened to be in a cold lake.  I liked the grumpy Care Bear because he seemed the most realistic about being surrounded by puffy clouds, bright colors and cheeriness from the other bears.  I loved playing with my army men and was stoked when I got a set of walkie-talkies for Christmas one year. I would put on my camo gear and sneak around the backyard.
Delving into the T.V. watching gives even more clues. My parents would record movies off the T.V. onto VHS tapes so we could watch wholesome things during the summer when they would both go to work.  I wanted to be Atreyu in the Neverending Story so I could beat up Bastian and save the princess. In Herbie Goes Bananas most kids are cheering for the little Volkswagon that comes to life and saves the day. Not me I was more interested in the G-rated romance on the side involving the guy wooing the girl. Usually those tapes got put into play whenever we knew our parents were going to be home soon. What we normally watched all day was MTV. This of course was when the M actually stood for music and the videos were non-stop. I wanted to be in Billy Idol's "Rock the Cradle of Love" video. Watching a half naked chick dancing around in your bed room? Yes please. I lusted over Alicia Silverstone and Liv Tyler in Aerosmith's "Crazy". I mean, here's two hot girls running around being bad and even cross dressing and going to a strip club! All videos would have plenty of sexy female dancers. I would wait patently for these things and stare entranced at the screen. When it was almost bedtime I could sometimes stay up with my dad and watch T.V. with him. I had a thing for "Hot Lips" Houlihan on M*A*S*H and thought it must suck for her to be stuck without anyone else pretty to share her tent. I'm eternally grateful for my fathers love of sci/fi as well. Star Trek the Next Generation was epic for me. Around this time I figured out I preferred dark headed women opposed to blondes. While I suppose most teen girls would be eyeballing William Riker (second in command) I wanted to peel off that one piece body suit on Counselor Deanna Troi. She could sense my thoughts about her any day..seriously hot!
In school I never 'crushed' on the boys like everyone else. I can appreciate good looks and personality in the opposite sex and even admire some qualities but never felt any stirrings in my core about them. I always had funny vibes or even butterflies from the girls though. Stupid mundane things like sitting next to someone during lunch, borrowing a hairbrush during gym, being picked for a lab partner..yup I had crazy mad feelings for my best friends. The thing is, at that age, I couldn't and didn't have a word for it. Even if I did, those things weren't talked about. I NEVER went into the girls bathroom in the groups they're so fond of. I dressed down in P.E. with my back to everyone and stared at the wall. You don't want people thinking you might be 'weird' or 'gross'. I purposely never hugged even my closest friends. Sleep-overs were rare occasions and I always took the floor or couch instead of the extra space on the bed. No way. I knew deep down that that wasn't good for a girl hitting puberty to do. What an easier way to screw up a good friendship than to wake up in the morning spooning your best buddy! It made me sad and moody. Retreating from a social person and becoming a loner. *SIGH*
Oh well..I finally got older and came out senior year in high school and the rest is history.
But yeah looking back on all the major clues I've got to say hind sight is definitely 20/20 and the answer to that question? I guess as far back as I can remember :)

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